When my mom was diagnosed suddenly with stage four pancreatic cancer I felt the ground beneath me disintegrating. Other than my husband, she was my best friend and the best mother anyone could ask for. She beat the odds and fought the cancer for two excruciating years. Images of her body wasting away still plague me to this day. Without my faith in Jesus I could have not gotten through this time. Philippians 4:6-7 says "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." For the first time in my life I experience this 'peace which surpasses all understanding'. For this I will forever be grateful to God!
About a year after my mom went to be with her Savior in Heaven, a cancer started to grow in me. My cancer however had no medical diagnosis: it was the cancer of sin. I became so wrapped up in my expectations for my life, I would experience intense anger when things did not go my way. I felt like I was truly having a psychological break. It affected my family and all those around me. I was certainly not living a life centered on Jesus and His will for my life.
It has taken a lot of time, prayer, counsel, and patience from loved ones, but I feel like I have finally been able to give over my expectations and anger to the Lord. For the first time in a long time I have hope and joy again. 1 Peter 1:3-4 captures how I feel: "All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is by His great mercy that we have been born again, because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead. Now we live with great expectation, and we have a priceless inheritance—an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay."
1 Peter also reminds us that even though we face trials here on earth, when we put our faith in Jesus as our Savior we will have the reward of salvation and eternal life. It also exhorts us to live a holy life of loving others, being cleansed from our sins by Christ's blood on the cross. This reminds me never to let the cancer of selfishness control my heart again. I have been reborn (as represented by the plumerias in the tattoo) and with my trust in Jesus I can live a life filled with "glorious, inexpressible joy"!
To read all of 1 Peter 1 click here:
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Peter+1&version=NLT
I love this Ashleigh! Thanks for sharing your heart! I've been experiencing similar struggles with anger and expectations, and then feeling guilty on top of it all for not having joy. Thankfully God uses this all for good, and we can enjoy a greater closeness with Him through of our trials when we choose to draw strength from His word.
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautiful just like you!!! I am so sorry for the heartache you have experienced in your young life. Your Mom would love your new tattoo and be proud of the amazing woman you have become !!!! I am blessed to know you !!! Judi
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful just like you !!! Your Mom would love your tattoo and the strength through Jesus that it represents!! You are an amazing young woman !! Judi
ReplyDeleteI was going to send you a message this week,and now I see this,Ashleigh.When I see photos of you on facebook with your beautiful,fabulous smile,you look just like your mom.What a special gift you have to express your feelings and have an amazing closeness to the Lord. You were an amazing,caring,wonderful daughter.You were her best friend.Your mom always was so proud of you, and the woman you became as a wife and mother.Her gorgeous smile shines through YOU, and makes me smile. God bless you and your wonderful family,honey,love,Mary Jo
ReplyDeleteAshleigh Love you for your struggles the Lord loves you too. Thank the Lord it a preliviage to be called a Child of the King. (I am a terriable speller) Love, Sue Sollee-Watkins
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